An ADHD Brain: dealing with ADHD in your 60's

So It’s Been a Bit

March 6th, 2024

It’s been a while since I last posted here. A lot has happened since then. Let’s get started with the updates.

The End of Diagnosis

I have officially been diagnosed with ADHD! I went through testing which was at the same time challenging and engaging. I had a series of about five or six tests that ranged from arranging tiles into shapes to a computer test that determines your distraction and concentration levels. It took about three hours total and I was exhausted by the end of it.

A month later, I went in to the office to get the results. The report was lengthy and detailed, delving into aspects that I’m still trying to fully grasp. While I can’t quote the final diagnosis word-for-word—I’ve misplaced the report in a classic ADHD moment—what I recall is that I have a mild case of combined ADHD.

Initially, I struggled with the term “mild.” My daily challenges with simple tasks, planning, and remembering where I put things seemed anything but mild. However, I later learned that “mild” includes neurotypical individuals on the scale. So, if you’re diagnosed as mild, you’re at least at level 7 out of 10, which makes much more sense.

It took two years, but I finally have my diagnosis. It’s been quite a journey, and my mind was a whirlwind of emotions when it was finally confirmed.

What Does This Mean?

My initial reaction was one of relief. After two years of navigating from one doctor’s office to another, encountering closed doors at every turn, it was finally over. I now had tangible proof of my ADHD.

However, alongside relief came frustration. This process shouldn’t have been so arduous. The US medical system, both economically and in terms of accessibility, leaves much to be desired. The doctors I encountered weren’t particularly helpful and, in some cases, seemed to work against me. I often felt belittled, as if I didn’t understand what was happening in my own mind.

Another prevalent feeling was, “I’m not crazy.” Looking back at my life, many struggles suddenly made sense. Issues with planning and follow-through had plagued me for years. While being diagnosed doesn’t solve the problem, it provides clarity on why I face these challenges.

After three months with a diagnosis, I’m still processing my thoughts and emotions. It may take a while before I fully come to terms with it. In the meantime, I’m embarking on a new journey of exploring medication options to manage my ADHD. Stay tuned for updates on that front.
A Note to My Doctor

November 2nd, 2023

My ADHD

Dear Doctor,

It is almost 2:30 in the morning and I’ve been lying awake for quite some time mulling over in my mind what you said during our last appointment. During the appointment I kept thinking to myself, how can I help her understand what it feels like to have ADHD as an adult? And I woke up tonight and started thinking about it again, and I can’t settle my mind down to get back to sleep thinking the same thing. So I thought that I would get up and write some of the things I struggle with in the hope that you would see things the way that I do.

I struggle with executive function. For me, that means I can’t keep a lot of things in my mind at the same time or for very long. When copying a string of numbers for a license key from an email to an application, I have to flip back and forth after every fourth or fifth character because I can’t remember more than that at a time. I struggle with remembering what I was just reading because my mind went somewhere else for a bit. So I reread the last page, only to have this happen again. And again. And again. There are times when I get extremely frustrated with myself because the distractions waste so much time. And these things are not something that are recent, that can be attributed to my getting older. I’ve struggled with these my whole life, I just didn’t know why.

I struggle with getting things done. I know what I need to do, the important but not urgent things that never seem to get done until they become important and urgent. Tasks that would only take five minutes to do, but I just can’t seem to engage.

Yes, I have over the years come up with things that have helped me get by in my professional as well as personal life. I have created routine upon routine that have helped me appear ‘normal’ to others. They work, sometimes, maybe even most of the time. But the amount of effort that it takes to complete those routines taxes my energy. At the end of the day, I struggle even to have a basic conversation about how my day went with my wife. The effort is just to much, so I sit there saying nothing even though I have things I’d like to talk to her about.

And when I am not able to completely follow my routines, (like will probably happen tomorrow as the first rule for me is to get a good night’s sleep and here I am in the middle of the night writing this) my day absolutely falls apart. I have things that may not NEED to be done today, but they are important nonetheless. I’ll probably not be able to get them all (or any) done, and I’ll end the day once again tired, frustrated, and emotionally spent.

You say that I may not struggle enough to warrant the use of stimulant medications to help my situation. Well I beg to differ. I do struggle to get through the day. Every day. I do struggle expressing how hard it can be, especially to those in authority, like my doctors and my boss. I don’t want to look weak, or helpless, or let others now how much I struggle. I have always held it inside, and the anxiety and stress that creates only makes things worse and makes me feel worse.

So I have read on the subject. I’ve read a lot on the subject. I don’t pretend to think that I have the education that you have had, but I do believe research has shown in more recent years how much ADHD can and does affect adults, even older adults such as myself. We should not be dismissed as if our lives don’t matter as much because we’re older and don’t have, or will soon be leaving, full-time employment. It may not affect our professional lives anymore, but ADHD still affects our personal lives.

I have read and come to understand that ADHD is the most treatable psychiatric illness. I have been trying to get diagnosed and treated for almost two years now. It has been a battle. To get doctors to actually listen to what I’m saying (and the things I struggle to say). The risks are not as great as many have been led to believe. Especially for me as there is no history of heart issues in my family. In either case, what little risk there is is a risk I’m willing to take to help me with my ADHD. So help me. Or if you’re not willing to help, refer me to someone who will.
Being Overwhelmed

October 26th, 2023

I have had a lot on my plate for the last several months. In part, it’s a byproduct of my ADHD. I have a hard time saying no to people. It’s part of the people-pleasing behavior that many of us with ADHD tend to exhibit.

The other part is just… life. There have been numerous trips, work-related tasks, personal matters, and people I know who are dealing with cancer or other health-related issues. There’s a lot to digest and work through.

I’ve also discovered that I have a limited capacity for taking on new things. So, when I add a new element to my life, something else may end up being dropped. Sometimes they’re just delayed (like this post), or they’re simply forgotten. I had a nice streak of days going with learning Spanish on Duolingo that came to an end a few weeks ago because I was trying a new routine. I still haven’t gotten back to it.

What I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to have a bit of compassion for yourself. Yes, that streak was nice, but in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s not like it’s Wordle or something important like that. Just letting go of the frustrations of not completing something unimportant instead of beating myself up about it has been one of the changes I’ve been working on.

So, I’ll continue working on myself and posting more frequently here. Next time, I hope to have more news about my diagnosis. Until then, enjoy your day!
Procrastination

September 7th, 2023

“I just don’t feel like doing it right now.” I say that to myself a lot. Especially when it is something that I don’t find exciting, like putting together a report or updating a document. I envision a time in the future when I’ll be feeling it and will be motivated to get it done. So I wait. And wait until finally, a deadline approaches and now I’m anxious because I REALLY need to get it done. Then I’m able to quickly finish the task off. I often feel that I do my best work with a deadline approaching, but is that really true?

Often, it isn’t. I might miss a small detail, or it’s not as good as it could have been. Either way, I become anxious, or angry with myself, and that is beginning to take a toll on me. I can’t continue to live this way and have been working on how to be better at it.

In “Your Brain’s Not Broken,” they call this avoidance. It’s where I do something, anything, as long as it’s not that boring thing. And if I’m doing something, at least I’m being productive, even if it isn’t the thing that actually needs to get done

To determine if you’re in avoidance mode, they suggest asking a few questions. “Is there a due date? What will happen if I don’t complete this task? Have I scheduled a time to complete it?” If I’m fighting against these questions, then I’m in avoidance mode.

I’m still trying to figure out ways to get past that, the journey continues.
Traveling

August 22nd, 2023

One of the things that can stress me out is traveling. It’s something that’s always been there, but I’ve only recently understood how it affects me. I enjoy traveling — seeing new places, being with family and friends is exhilarating for me. It’s just the “getting there” part that I struggle with.

I recently went on a trip to Seattle with my wife and a few friends. We’d never been there and were excited to see what it was all about. The week leading up to it, though, was stressful. I didn’t know where we were staying (it was arranged by the others), I didn’t know what we did with our baggage as we were flying in early in the morning and couldn’t check in until after four, and there was no general plan. I don’t need a minute-by-minute agenda, just a general idea of what we would be doing.

Before I understood what was going on inside, I’d just get more and more stressed out, not really knowing what was going on. This time, I recognized what was happening and talked about it with my wife. She got me the address of the AirBnB, told me we could store our baggage at our friend’s hotel for the day, and gave me a general plan for the weekend. Tension eased, and I felt a lot better.

Then came travel day. Packing goes quickly — well, sort of. I pack everything I think I’ll need, which is the quick part. Then there’s the second guessing — do I really have everything? The “second packing” then ensues. I then stress on whether or not I’ve forgotten something important. We then head for the airport. I then stress about whether we’ve allowed enough time (though we’re usually through TSA and at the gate at least an hour before boarding). Once we’re at the gate, I worry about the onboarding process, is there going to be enough room for our carryons? Is there going to be a shortage of room due to an equally large guy sitting next to me (the answer is usually, yes). As well as any other number of worries.

Once I’m on the plane, I’m fine. It’s just the unknown that I stress about. Coming home is the same thing, only in reverse. Even when we’re traveling by car I stress, though it’s usually a lot less of a burden, I have control over a lot more of the process.

So how is it for you? Do you have any stress while traveling?
The Hyper-Focus Tax

August 4th, 2023

One of the positive aspects about ADHD is that when you manage to get focused and engage with a task or project, you can slip into a hyper-focus where everything else slips away, and you are fully immersed what you’re doing. It usually is something that I’m excited about, have a great interest in, or I have an imminent deadline. During these episodes, I can accomplish a significant amount within a short span or maintain complete concentration on that specific subject. It’s really great … until it isn’t.

The issue is that there’s a subsequent toll or “tax” to pay when this occurs. Sustaining this level of concentration requires a considerable amount of energy, and eventually, you exhaust your resources. Then attempting tasks that involve executive functions such as decision-making, managing your mood, and so on, becomes even more challenging than the usual level of difficulty.

For instance, last weekend I was taking a coaching fundamentals class. The class spanned four hours on Friday and eight hours on Saturday and Sunday. It was a great experience that I may talk about later. The instructors did a fantastic job and made the class fun, keeping my interest for almost the whole twenty hours. The fact that it was a subject of interest played a role, but towards the end, I was really beginning to lose steam.

Monday was the worst. I couldn’t focus on anything. Even the things I enjoy doing, like reading, felt laborious. It felt like I had a hangover, without the enjoyment of a fine adult beverage. “I’ll feel better tomorrow,” I thought. “I just need a good night’s sleep.”

Things really weren’t any better on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. A little better on Thursday. Today I finally feel like my old self (hence, I’m able to post this today). As great as the weekend was, I’ve been paying the “tax” all week.

Honestly, I really don’t know what to do about it, other than being mindful of when I’m in hyper-focus mode and limiting it’s duration. I’ll have to do some more research on it and see what can be done. In the mean time, if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears.
Getting “Diagnosed,” Part III

July 27th, 2023

Earlier this week I was finally able to meet with a psychiatrist once again. Long story short, I still have no hope of getting stimulant meds, probably at least until December. But there was some good to come out of this meeting.

First, unlike my last meeting with a psychiatrist, she actually listened to me and my concerns, desires, and frustrations. We met for about thirty minutes and had a fruitful discussion. The previous met with me for less than fifteen minutes and then charged me $200 to say, “I can’t do anything, talk to me after you’ve been tested.” This time she didn’t charge me anything.

Second, she also had concerns and actually discussed them with me. There’s that whole age thing and being afraid that I’ll take them and just drop dead of a heart attack. You see, I have a low resting heart rate. It’s typically in the mid 50’s and will drop into the low 40’s while sleeping. Throw on top of that the fact that I have elevated blood pressure that is managed well with medication, and she wasn’t going to be going to stimulants without a long trial of alternatives. That, and I have to get approval from a cardiologist, so I’m looking forward to another specialist visit.

Third, since I will be starting meetings with another psychiatrist and I’ll have to start all over again with her, we really didn’t get into the evaluation at all. What’s more, I can’t get in to the new one until the end of September.

Finally, I did get a lot of useful information and suggestions. She suggested that no matter what, I get tested and once and for all, get diagnosed. She said that if I have that, I can take it anywhere as proof, which will get me just that much further along if I ever change doctors. It also is proof of disability, which helps when it comes to accommodations with work and other things covered under the disabilities act.

She also suggested that I compile a list of things that I can take in for the tester when that finally happens. Things like excerpts from my mom’s diary voicing her frustration with “being smart, but not able to focus” when it comes to school, or any other description that gives insight into the way I was as a child. I also have all of my grade school grade cards with comments from teachers. I’ll review those as well.

So with testing not happening until the end of November, I’m not too optimistic that anything will change on the medication front until at least December. Until then, I’ll keep working to build habits and processes that help with the struggles of an old guy with ADHD.
Accountability

July 19th, 2023

So how do you get motivated to do things if you’re “just not feeling it?” For things like, I don’t know, posting to your blog? Or just trying to remember something that you’re supposed to do later, but you don’t want to forget.

Well, for me there’s this little thing called accountability. If I have something that is Important, But Not Urgent (IBNU), then I try and utilize accountability, telling someone else. I have a group of friends that I text each day. We call it the Daily Top 3 (DT3), things that we want to focus on that day. I let them know what my DT3 is for that day, and I report back once or twice through the day on my progress. If I don’t, they gently ask, “So how are you doing on your blog post?” That’s normally enough to push me to get that accomplished (otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this right now).

I’ll be honest, sometimes even that’s not enough. After all, it took me four days to get this post up. But it keeps it in my mind that I need to get that item done, and it eventually does get accomplished.

Another thing that I’ve noticed about my brain is that if I ask my wife to remind me to do something later, like when we get home, I’ll actually remember it when I get home. Even if she doesn’t remember, I do. I can’t explain it, I just know that it often works for me.

So if you’re having trouble getting things done, whether or not you have ADHD, try accountability. Tell a friend, a loved one, anyone. See how well it works for you.
Issues with Short-term Memory

July 4th, 2023

Have you ever walked into a room, stopped, and thought, “Why did I come in here?” Or I come back from a room having done a half dozen things, but then realizing you didn’t do the one thing you had gone to do. If you have, then welcome to my life. Except it doesn’t just happen when I come into a room, it can happen in the middle of a conversation…when I’m the one talking. One second I’m explaining something, and the next, I have completely forgotten what I was even talking about.

Short-term memory is something that everyone can struggle with from time to time. But for those with ADHD, it is an every day struggle. For instance, say you’re looking at someone’s phone number in one place, and trying to type it in at another place. Easy right! Yeah, no. I have to flip back and forth between the two locations typing a bit at a time. 317 … flip … 555 … flip … 1234 … flip, did I get it right? Flip … nope, let’s try that again. I’ve found that I can keep about 4-5 digits in my head at any given time, as long as nothing else is occupying that space, or I don’t see or hear something distracting. so filling out forms for the doctor can be maddening.

So when you walk in a room and forget what you came in for, or in a conversation and forget what you’re saying, what do you do? Well for me, I have to step back in time bit by bit until I hit upon what it was that I was looking for. Or you hope the person you’re talking to was paying enough attention to help you with that step back.

Other things that I have to do is use apps or plain old paper to help remember things and todo’s. If I don’t do it immediately, chances are I won’t remember later. The whole, “Well if it’s important, you’ll remember it later” isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes I remember, but most times I don’t. I’m told that once I’m one meds that it will get better, but I’ll have to wait another month for that.

So what are some of the things that you have done to help with short-term memory issues? I’d really like to know. Until next time.
An Update on Being “Diagnosed”

June 26th, 2023

I forgot to mention previously that I have again been diagnosed. One of the things that I’ve always had trouble doing is asking for help. I will keep working at it, struggling, often failing until I figure it out or just plain quit. One of the things I learned in coaching is that this is typical for those with ADHD. It’s part of the people-pleasing thing. If we ask for help, then we’ve failed, and no one wants to be called a failure.

But when you start to stand up for yourself and get the help that you need, your attitude can change. That’s what one of the ADDmins suggested that I do. “Find a different doctor, someone that will listen to you.” And so I did. I did some research with my insurance company and found out what they would cover. Then I looked for people in my insurance network that gave more than an addendum about ADHD. I scheduled an appointment, talked with a therapist, and wouldn’t you know it? I have ADHD. He then set me up with a behavioral therapist and with a psychiatrist. I still have that appointment to get formally tested in November (not getting rid of that until I’m able to get some medications that work) and I won’t be meeting with the psychiatrist until the end of July, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Until then, I’ll keep meeting with the therapist to help me work through some of my struggles. I’ve already made some headway on that, but more on that later.

The End of Diagnosis

What Does This Mean?